Rant week

Allow me to be perfectly honest here. Ranting is one of the things I am good at. In fact, for some reason I´m really good at it. This isn´t always a good thing, but it is almost always an entertaining one. This week, then, is now Rant Week. Every day I will write a rant about something that really hacks me off. I don´t mean things like getting up early in the morning or finding out that your shower gel has leaked over your toothbrush or realising that you left your jacket in the British Council office in Madrid an hour after leaving said location. These are annoying eventualities, to be sure, but small fry compared to the things I intend to rant about. Without further ado, then, I give you rant #1: "Against Euphemistic Marketing Language".

These days (in England at least) you can´t help but notice how far the shops are going out of their way to make you happy. Almost every single shop you walk into has adverts up inside shouting about how much they value their customers, how precious our business is to them, and how terribly offended they would be if we took our business elsewhere. Even banks have this sort of thing plastered all over their walls like some repulsive wallpaper from hell, claiming that their mortgage rates are the best in the world, that if they went any further out of their way to help us they would have to register as a charity, and that we would be completely idiotic to miss out on this opportunity to buy a car at 5.6% APR (total payable price 46,097 or something). This level of customer service is slightly embarrassing in itself, but what makes it worse is the rancid, chummy language they use to get it across. All that sickly sweet crap about wanting the best for their delightful, stylishly dressed customers and their families makes me want to vomit repeatedly all over their stylishly styled interiors. The simple fact of the matter is that companies exist to make money and they do this by selling their product to the consumer. By pretending that they are some kind of friendly, charitable uncle who is doing us a real favour by flogging us a sofa for only a couple of hundred quid they are guilty of deception. I don´t want a bank to pretend to be concerned for my financial, emotional and spritual wellbeing. I want them to keep my money in a safe place, let me access it whenever I want, and keep quiet. I don´t want to be thrust a Customer Feedback Form ("We Value your Opinions and Suggestions! No, Really!") when I buy a coffee somewhere. I want them to put some coffee in a cup, add some milk, charge me a reasonable price, and shut up. All this repulsive, chummy language is as fake and deliberately deceitful as Dale Winton´s tan, and possibly even more offensive. Simply put, the world doesn´t work because people are lovely and kind to each other and help each other out whenever they can. It probably should, but it doesn´t. So don´t pretend that it does. A coffee shop exists to supply me with coffee, for which they should be paid. That´s it. I don´t need ludicrous feedback forms, opinion surveys, offers of friendship, offers of marriage, or someone offering to hold my hand and tell me it´s okay. Okay? So shut up. Thanks.

Man, I feel so much better. This stuff is seriously therapeutic. Now I have to think of something to rant about tomorrow. Well, there´s a lot to choose from....